hopes vs. fears

Walking through this pregnancy has been a strange mix of emotions. From surprise to joy to panic, I have been all over the map for the last several months. Most of the time I go from being really hopeful about the future to really fearful. 

As you know I did not have an easy time with Liam. He's been my greatest joy from the moment he was born, but he has been a handful to say the least. It's not his fault, I was just utterly unprepared for motherhood...I mean real, down and dirty, 24/7 motherhood. So now that I'm pregnant again I am fearful of those newborn days. I'm fearful of breastfeeding being difficult again. I'm fearful of becoming depressed again. I'm fearful of not being able to handle two kids under two at the same time. I'm fearful of how Liam will react to hs baby sister. I'm fearful of being even more tired than I already am. And then, of course, I think about finances and housing and am fearful of being able to make it on our own in Miami. 

And then I get these bursts of hope that break through the fear. I'm hopeful that since I've already been through this before (and survived!) that it will be a little easier this time. I'm hopeful that Isabel will be a much better sleeper than Liam. I'm hopeful that our family will be able to help out more with the kids. I'm hopeful that I'll be a more relaxed second-time mom than I was a first-time mom. I'm hopeful that God will provide in every aspect that we need. 

Only time will tell how it all turns out, but if the past is any indication, then I know the future will be just fine. 

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