I've really been battling fear lately. The older I get the harder the battle becomes. When I was younger I was fearless (at least I like to think so). There was nothing I couldn't do. I went into everything I did filled with confidence. I rarely failed. But it seems in recent years I have failed more than I have succeeded. I feel more lost now than I ever did when I was younger.
Growing up I had a plan - after high school I would go to college, then I would go to graduate school, somewhere along the way I would get married, then find a fabulous job, and then have kids. Life would be grand. Well God has blessed me and I have been able to accomplish a lot on my little list...but now I'm left wondering what in the world comes next.
I have no idea! It's a scary place to be in. If I'm honest I feel completely inadequate and without talent. I feel like I'm wasting my potential and running out of time. I know I'm only 29, there's still time, my life is not over...but that doesn't change how my heart feels.
Right now I'm raising my kids. They're my priority and I'm happy with that - but what about when they start school? What about when they're teenagers? What about when they grow up and leave the nest? I'm also doing a bit of writing at the moment, which has brought me so much satisfaction, but so much fear as well. How long will this gig last? Will there be another to follow? Can I do this for the rest of my life? What's next for me?
It's hard not to play the comparison game in this blogging world. So many women are so much more successful/influential/better than I am. I want to have an impact. I want to turn this into a career. But then I have my doubts and I wish for a more simple and quiet life. Maybe I don't have that "hustle."
Everyday is a battle. I fear the future, the unknown, the craziness of life in general. I fear failure. And I can feel that I need God. I mean, I always need Him, but I really feel it right now. He's the only One who can get me through this. I have to trust in Him more than the fear.
Can anyone out there relate?