the next small step
I joke that I have an existential crisis about every three months, but it's kind of true. This month it hit me again. That panicky feeling in my chest. The racing thoughts in my head. What am I even doing?! Who am I?! Mostly because I've had, what seems like, countless people casually ask me the same question over and over again.
What do you want to do with your life?
I feel paralyzed when people ask me this. Is there even a correct response? I'm not sure there's any one thing I will be doing for the rest of my life. I may be a 32 year old wife and mother, but in many ways I'm a 19 year old frat boy (mainly my eating habits and my fear of commitment).
There are many different directions I could go with my life, but I'm not entirely sure in which direction God wants me to go. For some reason He hasn't revealed a big picture plan for my life. Not yet anyway. I know other people have grand plans and visions for the future, and while I do have some dreams, I can't say that I'm gunning for something in particular.
The other day, on Twitter (man, I love Twitter lately), a writer named Aleah Marsden tweeted, "Break out in hives when asked to state ministry/career goals. Want to write: 'Who has known the mind of the Lord?!' Or: 'To make small, faithful choices.' Or: 'Serve fully where God has placed me.' This isn't to say I don't appreciate vision/strategy. Sometimes our boxes feel too narrow for actual real life experience. My old fall-back rings true: Seek the Caller, not the calling."
I couldn't click the "retweet" button fast enough.
The theme I keep coming back to for the past year or so is: Seek God. Everywhere I look I see this message. In the past I've been caught up in seeking my calling. I thought I had to have it all figured out. I felt as if I was running out of time. I still feel that way at times (Hello 30s!). But whenever I pause to spend intentional time with Jesus to seek answers, I am reminded to seek Him. I am reminded to be obedient to the next small step. I may not see where all these small steps are leading yet. But a day is coming when I will look back and see the winding path that brought me to...where ever it brings me.
Don't discount those small steps of obedience because they're not "big enough." Don't discount making small faithful choices because they're not "grand enough." Don't worry about the person next to you and what they're doing. Seek the Caller. God is trying to tell you something. Pay attention. Sit in His presence. He's at work.He is Faithful.